


I Need You To Live

by Fandom746



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Bittersweet Ending, Death, Hurt Magnus Bane, M/M, Magnus death fic, Malec, Malec forever, Pain, Together forever, im so sorry... the quarantine is messing with my head
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-19
Updated: 2020-03-19
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:08:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23212270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fandom746/pseuds/Fandom746
Summary: They say time heals all wounds. But that presumes the source of grief is finite. But this, this is a new wound everyday.A Malec angst fic. Bittersweet at the end, or so i tried to make it seem.
Relationships: Magnus Bane & Alec Lightwood, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 6
Kudos: 55





	I Need You To Live

**Author's Note:**

> So... the quarantine for corona virus has made me lose my mind a bit... but here's a malec story for you all !  
> Hope you enyoy it, and please leave a kudos and a comment!

_They say time heals all wounds. But that presumes the source of grief is finite. But this, this is a new wound everyday._ And all at the same place too. A wound in his heart. It has been weeks, months, years since Magnus had died, but to Alec it still seemed like it had happened just a few minutes ago.

The raw emotion raging within him refused to be tamed. It would momentarily subside whenever he would go on hunts with his siblings, Simon and Clary, because his vow to protect his family always took over a major part of his brain. But a little voice in the back of his mind always whispered, _not your whole family. You failed to save Magnus._... and Alec would immediately throw himself at the demon they were facing, in hopes of dispelling those thoughts. Like fighting against those demons would help him dispell the demons in his mind. And if there was lack of an opponent, he would turn and punch, kick and rage at the nearest wall until he could do it no more.

His siblings were used to this behaviour of his, but they could do nothing to stop him. They could only hope to patch him up again after those fits of anger he had, patch up the broken and bloody knuckles, the splintered wrist bone, the shattered toes and aching muscles. But they could do nothing for the shattered pieces of his heart.

All shadowhunters were taught how to deal with pain. They had all learnt that they might die any day, snuffed out like a candle while battling the never-ending hordes of demons that invaded the earth. So it was no surprise that Alec had gotten around to accepting his own death. They had been prepared emotionally for a situation where Alec might one day not return home to Magnus. But Alec had never even thought how it would be if he was the one left behind. _If Magnus was gone._

As it always did lately, Alec's mind took him on a walk down memory lane. He remembered that fateful day, exactly 476 days ago. The day that had been Magnus's birthday. The day when Alec had been pulled into a hunt in the wee hours of the morning and Magnus had insisted on accompanying him to fight the demons. 

"Lets take on the hordes of hell together, huh Alexander? You know that we are stronger together, and i am not going to let you go away from me. Especially not today. I have a lot planned, Shadowhunter, which will all be set up by the time we return to the loft. So move faster! We've got two more blocks to go."  
Magnus had said, a twinkle in his eyes, as he roughly pushed Alec forward and into a puddle on the sidewalk, a distinctly feline grin on his face. He reared back with a curse, as the puddle water splashed on his fashionable shirt, but he merely pointed at the spots and the magic wiped the dirt and water off immediately. 

Little had Alec known that that would be the last time he would see such a smile on his face. A smile of total happiness and love. 

Alec's mind flashed to the next event that happened, one he knew would hurt him all over again. But he had to do this. He owed it to Magnus to remember each and every second they had had together, to remember exactly how amazing his husband had been, so full of joy and passion, never afraid of loving with all of his heart. He owed it to Magnus to pass on his memories when he no longer lived, so that atleast somewhere, an account of that beautiful warlock was preserved for the future generation. Alec was determined to never let his memories of Magnus fade away, and he captured them all in a small black diary he had bought from a mundane bookstore.

Alec thought back to the final demon encounter Magnus had faced with him. He remembered the way Magnus had flung himself between Alec and the fatal blow the demon had been about to deliver. Alec had killed the demon, but it had seemed to take an unbelievably long time for any sort of magical assistance to arrive for them. It had taken much too long.

"Alexander. Promise me....promise that you will survive. I NEED you to _live_ Alec. I love you. Live for me Alexander Lightwood-Bane." Magnus had muttered slowly, features twisted and marred with pain. He looked deep into Alec's eyes, moved his gaze all over Alec's face, as though determined to memorise his every feature, then closed his eyes, and smiled a soft sad smile. A smile so full of broken promises, of lost moments, of unfulfilled dreams and thoughts, that Alec's heart couldn't take it. Alec felt his own heart break with an almost tangible pain, as he gazed down at the now limp warlock in his arms. 

"No! Magnus! Magnus, open your eyes! You're scaring me now Magnus! Get up! This is the wrong time to sleep! GET UP! MAGNUS! " Alec screamed. He pulled Magnus into his arms, head pillowed against his chest and shook him, none too gently. But Magnus's head merely lolled, his body slowly losing warmth. Alec knew it was useless. He had seen death enough number of times to recognise its handiwork. Logically, he knew he should keep himself together. _A shadowhunter shows no weakness_. But he didnt care. So he just screamed and screamed, and cried for all the broken things in his life. 

Magnus had been his light, and now he felt himself slip deep into the pit of darkness. The shadows held him, all colour bleached out of his surroundings, as he just lay down beside Magnus, close, but not touching. For he knew that he would no longer be able to hear Magnus's heartbeat, feel his chest rise and fall as he breathed.

_Because Magnus couldnt breathe anymore._

He would no longer feel the warmth and comfort that surrounded him when Magnus hugged him tightly, as if never planning on letting go, his arms forming a barrier against the world.

_Because Magnus would never move again._

  
Now there was nothing but Magnus's cold body, and a hole in Alec's chest where his heart had once been but was now lost forever.

Alec shuddered apart in his bed. The pain never went away. But he had to live. He couldn't dishonour his husband's last wish. So, over the months, his schedule had reached a semblance of the normal, though his heart was far from being healed. He hurt so badly, but just pushed through to take each day as it came. 

The journal and his hunts were all that helped. And the happiness that flooded through the parabatai bond when Jace and Clary got engaged. Or the joy when Simon finally proposed to Izzy. He didnt begrudge their happiness.

" _Marriage is a wonderful institution. Not that i would know.._." he remembered Magnus saying once.

And then remembered Magnus's face when he had proposed to Magnus, which was now about 7 years ago. He remembered the shimmer in his cat eyes, the tremble of his lips, as he gazed down at Alec kneeling in front of him on one knee with the simple but elegant ring. He remembered the way silent tears had cascaded down Magnus's cheek, the way he had stayed still and quiet for so long that Alec had started worrying if it was a mistake. He had started rambling, and Magnus had stopped him with a kiss, before finally pulling back and saying one simple word. The most important word of all. " _YES._ " 

" _What?"_ Alec had asked, dazed with the joy that word had brought him, but not quite willing to believe it yet. It all seemed like a dream.

So Magnus had knelt down in front of Alec, pulled him close, and spoke soft and determined, " _Yes Alexander. I will marry you. As soon as possible! So that i can finally call you my husband. Its all ive ever wanted. And now i can shout it from the rooftops forever!"_

' _But we had managed to spend only 4 years together before....before Magnus had gone.....'_ The vicious thought felt like a knife twisted through his chest. 4 years had been much too less. In fact Alec felt like a 100 years would have still felt too less.

Wrenching himself out of the memory, Alec, flipped the pages of his journal. He had finished writing down most of his memories of Magnus. 

The wedding day, with runes of wedded union and magical sparks all around them.

The day Magnus had gifted Alec a new bow and quiver.

A few of the downworlder - nephilim meetings he had held, until everytime, Magnus would kick them out stating that they had overstayed their welcome, and that he just wanted to spend time with his husband in a much more enjoyable manner.

Their first date, all awkwardness in the starting, but ending on a hopeful note and a promise for a better future.

Their first kiss that had felt like Alec had had fire burning in him, making his knees weaken and his heartbeat quicken and thunder in his ears.

And a hundred other commonplace memories of every day they had spent together. Memories which had each taken a golden hue around them, crowned in a blaze of joy that it happened, and sorrow that it could never happen again.

His painful memory of _that_ day was the last entry in his book.

After Magnus had died, Clary had managed to create a portal to their loft and had regretted it immediately. The loft had been redecorated, lit with candlelight. Dinner was laid out on the table and the perfect scene felt so surreal that Alec almost couldnt believe that Magnus wasnt lurking around somewhere in the loft, waiting for Alec to find him, like he usually did.

The sight of their untouched dinner hit him hard. What was worse was the birthday cake he found in a box, and it sunk in that Magnus had bought the cake because he knew that Alec would want him to celebrate his birthday. But now it sat uneaten and pristine waiting for Magnus to come home.

_And he never would._

Alec couldnt help but cry out again, as he flung the candles away in a rage, but stopped himself immediately. What if something were to happen to the loft that he couldnt fix? No he couldnt take the risk. He had to cherish the place, and all of the memories that had been born there.

His family had refused to leave him alone, and had camped out in the hall, while Alec had walked into the bedroom, and had spent the night in his and Magnus's bed, not sleeping, but rather clutching Magnus's pillow and staring up at the ceiling, the smell of Magnus's hair conditioner and body wash surrounding him.

Alec now thought back to the funeral that had taken place. He had written a small account in his journal, but nothing elaborate. It had been a memory associated with Magnus, but one that he had had to face alone. His plaintive cry tore through the pages. _Magnus, why did you leave me? You promised me you would stay forever._

It took Alec three years after Magnus's death, before he finally began sorting through Magnus's loft. It seemed that an old enchantment had been placed there, for Alec never had to clean anything....it would always remain dust free. 

Alec found Magnus's box of mementos and laid it aside carefully. Something new was glinting below the box. A book with a simple but elaborate cover, and a lock. A unique lock with a heart shaped hole. Alec realised with a start that the key was _his heart_ \- the heart shaped pendant that Magnus had given him on their first wedding anniversary. 

With trembling hands, Alec placed the pendant on the book, and it opened with a click. The first page read

_My Dear Alexander,_   
_This is supposed to be a gift of sorts, to be given to you on our fifth year anniversary, for i hope to complete writing in it by then. Of course, this will not be the last book i will give you. They will keep coming, Alec, for as long as both of us live. In the event that you die, this will serve as my diary that i somehow hope you would be able to read from up in heaven. It will serve as a reminder of you for every single day of forever. If i die, well, i hope that it brings you some comfort. Know that i will always be with you, my sweet Alexander. No physical condition can ever seperate us, least of all, death. I shall be waiting by the river for you Alec, but please do not follow me immediately. Live your life well, and i will be there to welcome you home at the end of it all._

_Aku cinta kamu, Alexander. I love you._

_Yours forever,_   
_Magnus Bane-Lightwood_   
_(Ps. I love my surname.)_

Alec flipped through the book, smiling down at all the memories Magnus had captured, both in words and in pictures. And he knew then. He would never forget Magnus, that was impossible. Neither could he imagine ever being with someone else. But he would live like Magnus would want him to, he would fight demons till his last breath and protect Jace, Izzy, Simon and Clary, his family, with whatever it took to do so. 

And in the moments when he would feel lonely and miss Magnus, he would get the 2 books out - Magnus's diary and his own journal, and skim through the memories, letting Magnus's voice echo in his head as he read the words inked in elegant script, and recollect anew all the feelings that had risen in him with every second he had spent breathing, living, loving the miracle that had been and would always be his husband, Magnus Bane-Lightwood. The books gave him strength to proceed, as did the reassurance that Magnus would be waiting for him beside the river, so that they may cross together and be reborn in the wheel of life, reborn as one in every incarnation.

And indeed, at the age of 48, when Alec had finally died, much in the same fashion as Magnus had, throwing himself in front of a demon that had almost killed Clary, Alec had whispered to her, taking in rattling breaths and directed her to take his precious books, and give them to Izzy, to have and hold, to cherish it and pass it on. The legend that had been his relationship with Magnus, a beacon of progress and inspiration for the next generation, and all who followed. It was the legacy for Magnus that he wanted to leave behind.

His last conscious thought, before the darkness overcame him was  
 _Finally, Magnus, I will join you. And we will be together, forever._

And Alec was buried in the same grave as Magnus, sharing a headstone, unlike the common ritual of placing him in the Silent City. For everyone knew that this was what he would have wanted. Now they were together, if not in life, then in death.

***


End file.
